Ten years. Ten years we’ve been at this goat life.

Most years have been good. And we love to share those and the moments of joy and happiness.

But the last few…the last few years have been a struggle. The last year has been hell.

I know other farms that never share the Hell moments. “People don’t want to see that. They only want the happy parts on their feed”

I can’t argue with that. Who wants to know about death and injuries and the hard part of animal husbandry.

But I know when I first started it seemed like everyone was having perfect farms. Perfect kids. Nothing went wrong. I thought this would be easy from everyone’s posts.

All farms have terrible days, months, years. If they say they don’t, well. I have a goat that makes 5 gallons a day to sell you if you believe that.

I always blame myself when we lose an animal. I over examine every step. I question my ability and my faith. Yesterday as Garnet died in my arms, just as her mother did a year earlier, I felt like the future of this farm died with her.

We had ultrasounded her and saw two kids. I don’t lead feed so the does don’t have issues with large kids or milk fever. Roadie has always thrown normal sized kids in the past. And all our 2020 babies have been normal to smallish sized.

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.”

Life is hard. And Unfair. And as I was sobbing on the floor, holding her, I gasped out “I don’t want goats anymore. I can’t do this any more. I can’t”

And my Family quietly let me sob, knowing nothing they would say or do could heal my broken heart.

Joshua brought me a klonopin and a water. Drew sat with me until I cried it out. My father did what daddies do and hugged me until I felt safe.

We took Garnet and her buckling for necropsy.

Then we made a big decision.

No we aren’t selling out. I for one don’t have the spoons to find perfect homes for all my babes.

However in 2020 we will not be breeding like we did this year. Instead of 19 maybe 5. Kids from Levi, Mugwort, and Paprika will be our only goal. Everyone else will be milked through. We will take no reservations. Kids will be kept or sold as they come. We may add does to our purebred obie herd, but they have to obligations to us except to grow and be happy.

We need a break and space and time. And I know the “hardcore” farmers will scoff at us and gossip behind their virtual hands. “How can you be a farmer without a breeding season? What a lazy city slicker. I always knew she wasn’t for Real”.

Honestly? I don’t give a flying…well. You know. I used to but I’m too old and too tired to care.

So that’s it. Goat momma is pretty broken right now. There isn’t enough gold in the world to piece my heart back together. But there is time and the love of my family and friends and remaining beasties.

10 years.